The Tears we never shed
by Marika Webster
Summary: What happens when the most important person to you is gone?


Disclaimer

Yadadada... I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the song Loser by Three doors down. This is my first attempt at a Gundam Fic, so please please please read and review to tell me what you think. BTW this is a special surprise for you Sabbie-chan. You're the greatest... sue me later for killing you know who. 

The Tears We Never Shed

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Breathe in right away,

nothing seems to fill this place 

I need this every time, 

take your lies get off my case 

Some day I will find, a love that flows 

Through me like this 

This will fall away, this will fall away 

He's gone. Forever gone. And I am alone. I stare into the mirror, not really seeing my reflection. Normally brilliant blue eyes are now faded to a dull turquoise. The shadowy depths peer back at me, mockingly, as though they can reveal something that I do not know. Yet they do not blink. The sadness has not yet reached my eyes. Or perhaps it has and I am so adept at hiding everything that I do not feel it, let alone see it. They told me his end had been quick, yet was still a fateful one. He'd fallen. From the top of Heavyarms. I'd told him again and again, we had people to take care of stuff like this. But now... I still could not have stopped him. Not when he set his mind to something. They found him this morning, lying on the cold metal floor at the foot of his beloved suit. One hand had been curled around the wrench that he still held in his limp hand. And now we was gone. 

__

You're getting closer, to pushing me 

Off of life's little edge 

Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later 

You know I'll be dead 

You're getting closer, 

you're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall 

Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah 

My hand seems to have a life of it's own as I hold the gun. It is comforting its weight, almost like a lover that I had long forgotten. The looks grow harder to bear by the hour. The shushed whispers of the others, who stare at me. They don't know what to do or say. They don't know what I'm thinking. Yet I know they can not feel as I do at this moment. The feeling that all is lost, that there can be no more yesterday. For yesterday he sat here with me. In this very room , eating dinner. Joking around. We had talked of taking a vacation when this mess is over, just getting away... the two of us. But that was yesterday. And as we all full well know, you can not go back to yesterday, and there will never be a tomorrow. Not for me. Not anymore. My thumb caresses the weapon, taking solace in it's cool metal surface. This is a coward's weapon, I had always told anyone who would listen. I'm not a coward. Never have been. I reach up a hand and pushed away a stray blonde hair from my eye. The simple gesture is filled with so many emotions. He used to do that. Push my hair away with a flick of his wrist. His fingertips would barely brush my face, giving no pause or clue as to what he was thinking. But I always knew... behind those placed green eyes there would always be that touch of mischeviousness that made him so endearing to me. 

__

This is getting old, I can't break these Chains that I hold 

My body's growing cold, 

there's nothing left of this mind or my soul 

Addiction needs a pacifier, 

the buzz of This poison is taking me higher 

This will fall away, this will fall away 

I rest the gun in my lap now, in no hurry as I sit and allow myself a moment to think. Acting in haste has never been my way. I am methodical to the point of maddening others. For now, I am content. My thoughts drift. Sandrock. The first time I saw it, I knew it was mine. Destiny can not be defeated and fate is impossible to outrun. It is an extension of myself. Each mobile suit destroyed was a small victory for us. Yet is still weighs with me heavily. The lives taken in battle may have been the enemy, but they were still lives... and I am eternally responsible for it. The destruction, I can not lift the heaviness from my soul. There is more to this than the ending of my life. It will mean countless lives saved because I will no longer be one with my greatest weapon. Sandrock. 

__

You're getting closer, 

to pushing me Off of life's little edge 

Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later 

You know I'll be dead 

You're getting closer, 

you're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall 

Cause I'm a loser 

I smile a little now as I lift the gun, a sense of peace pervading my soul. Or perhaps it is merely grief-induced blindness to all emotion but the pain. If this is going to end it is up to me. I press the barrel to my temple, massaging the skin beneath my hair. It is over... well almost. If there be anyone here who objects to my actions speak now or forever hold your piece. My thumb finds the hammer and I pull it back without hesitation. Just like in target practice. I still move slowly, with no fear of my purpose. My finger reaches the trigger and I ease the digit around the curved surface. And I speak for the first time, the last time. "I'm coming home." 

The sudden knock startles me, yet I do not flinch. And the door opens a bit. I see the form of person taller than me leaning in my doorway. His braid hanging over his shoulder carelessly. He does not blink at the sight of me holding the weapon to my head and merely speaks. "Dinner's ready. Come eat." He watches me for a moment longer and then leaves, his face still as expressionless as when he had first come in. I paused. Then dropped the gun to the floor with a sudden expression of distaste. I guess if you ask for a sign, you usually get one.


End file.
